They try to alter their own perspective, their own aspirations, their hopes and dreams, to bring them into line so they are consistent with the way their husbands treat them. And over time, they begin to interpret what is reflected to them as a reliable representation. Instead of drops of water, women married to men on the spectrum are struck by pain from unrelenting moments of being reflected inaccurately in the place they look most often for reassurance: the eyes of their husbands. With time, granite that once held the characteristics of a unique natural form is visibly reduced to a smooth, monolithic surface. But changes that are negligible day to day are incontrovertible over the long term. What has happened to these women? It’s difficult to see the process while it is going on, just as it is difficult to see the effects of water drops on granite minute by minute. The pain they feel when they recognize this gap catches them like a stab to the stomach. They continue to be surprised at the gap between themselves and their husbands. There are women who work with me for several months and can still feel blindsided when something comes up at home that they misinterpret from a neurotypical (NT) perspective instead of considering the implications of ASD. On one occasion, a woman told me, “My husband has Asperger’s.” Then she began to cry, could not stop, seemed uncomfortable for not being able to compose herself, and left the office without uttering another word. I stopped talking about this a long time ago.” And my children think I’m a crazy person.” I don’t mean to say anything bad about him. Maybe there’s something wrong with me,” she said.
Sinking into the chair in my office, however, she appeared too meek to look me in the eye as her tears began to form. Many pages long, it was heavy in my hand.Īt a glance, I could see that among other things this woman had successfully argued a case in front of the U.S. I recognized the familiar look of bewilderment, explained by others before her as wondering whether they are going to make sense when they begin to speak, of whether I will view them as whiners, or whether they may be wasting my time.īefore taking a seat, she handed me her curriculum vitae. She seemed unsure of herself, eyes downcast, behaving as many women do when they first arrive. This result can be seen in the following modified example from my psychotherapy practice:Ī woman in her mid-50s came in for her first appointment. She also feels guilty, because her husband is a good man. She feels misunderstood by everyone who knows her, so she has learned not to talk about her “problems.” She starts to feels crazy. She feels isolated, as her social connections have gradually diminished. In the place of her former self emerges a person she barely recognizes. Over the course of her marriage, she experiences herself as gradually disappearing. When a neurotypical woman is married to a man who has the behaviors associated with autism spectrum (ASD), several things typically occur. This is not meant to imply only heterosexual couples face these issues or only men can have problematic ASD. I write here about heterosexual married couples because these are the couples I see most frequently in my practice, where most often it is the man who exhibits the characteristics of ASD.
This article describes the path followed by many women whose husbands are not diagnosed and who did not have successful couples counseling support to help them understand their differences.
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How to Send Appointment Reminders that WorkĪuthor’s note: A caveat before we get into the substance of this article: couples counseling with a skilled therapist can greatly help couples in which one partner has the symptoms or diagnosis of autism spectrum (ASD)/high-functioning autism.Rules and Ethics of Online Therapy for Therapists.
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Practice Management Software for Therapists.
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